Today was both one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. 

As you know I have two boys.  When I had our eldest the other-half was going to university so I was working full-time from the time he was five months old.  With the youngest, due to certain circumstances, I never went back to work.  So four years ago I became a stay at home mum and though I have loved being more hands on this time, it has been a bit of a difficult time with him.  He is one of those boys that never sits still and needs constant interaction.  Cleaning the house or writing this blog is impossible to do with him around.  But I have hardly ever left him and hardly an hour goes past without kisses and cuddles from him.

Now him being four the time has come for him to start school.  Him being summer born he did not start until today.  All this week, I have been looking forward to dropping him off and having a few hours of getting things done, until I had to pick him up.  Yesterday my Facebook status only said Woohoo!  

So imagine my surprise when I left him in his new classroom sitting there with his chin on his hands watching another mum and her son playing a game feeling like my heart had been ripped out. 

When I said goodbye to him he didn't seem fussed.  So I stepped out the door and peered in at him, I could hardly breathe as tears filled my eyes.  He didn't seem to notice I was gone and was in his own little world.    I had been slightly worried he would cry and I would have to go back in to comfort him, but instead it was me crying and I knew I couldn't go back in to him to have another kiss and cuddle to make me feel better.

It then occurred to me that everything has now changed.    

Up until now he belonged to me, but now he belongs to the world.  Every day, from the time our children are born, they are moving away from us.  Those first steps, potty training, going to play group, then nursery, are all about them moving away from us towards becoming their own people.  One day my sweet (but nutty) little boy, will be a grown man with his own life and maybe a family.  I do hope that I will always be important to him, but all us mums will one day face the fact that we will be replaced as the most important person in our child's life.

Demands for kisses and cuddles will fade away.  Refusals to hold hands while crossing roads will become common place.  There will be nights they sleep over at other children's houses and don't even mention to me that one day he will get on a bus and hang out with his weirdly dressed friends outside of Churchill Square. 

Every step they make towards independence is a step away from you as a parent and that is sad, but great at the same time.   So when another mother gently put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me I turned to her and smiled through my tears and laughed at myself. 

I now realise, I am looking forward to the day I don't have to ask if they have put on fresh pants or take them everywhere, but I will always be the soppy cow with tears in my eyes and a tissue on the ready.