I had an argument with my kids’ grandparents the other day. We’re not abnormal in that, presumably, but what made it interesting was the content. They were saying how terrible it was that some parents loved one of their children more than the other, but they themselves of course loved both my kids exactly the same.

Fair enough, but then they went on to say that you should always treat your children just the same. I disagreed emphatically and they were amazed!

I think too many people fall into the politically correct trap of saying “Oh yes, I always treat them the same”, when actually what they mean is that they try desperately not to favour one over the other. I suspect that this is an extraordinary bit of self-denial that we are often guilty of.  In a similar vein, “I always spend the same on them both” is another annoying phrase that I hear all too often.

Why? On the face of it, it doesn’t seem an unreasonable thing to say, but let’s go a bit deeper. Why on earth is it necessary to make such a statement at all? Probably because you know that you don’t, and are trying to convince yourself rather than anyone else. Also, if child A wants a toy that costs £1 and the other wants a toy that costs 95p what do you do? Give them both the toy they desire, of course (assuming of course that you have the inclination and the cash). So why do we pretend that money is the important thing? Such a statement can cause us unnecessary hassle, and yet it’s so avoidable.

Or perhaps child A is keen on ballet and child B is keen on cricket. In your genuine and commendable desire as a good parent to support such wholesome activities, you buy them the kit needed, whether or not it costs the same amount. You don’t deny one simply because it would mean being seen to be spending a bit more on the other. That’s probably partly to blame – the fear that others will criticise us leads us to over-demonstrate how ‘fair’ we are.

And to continue that idea, anyone whose job has ever included managing others knows that it is completely absurd to treat two or more different people exactly the same. In my case, I have one child who frequently fails to listen when being asked to do something, and whose behaviour is often quite challenging. I have another whose behaviour is more thoughtful towards others, but who gets very upset very easily if told off. I love them both as much as each other, even if I don’t always like the behaviour of one more than the other, but to treat them both the same as the PC Brigade would have me do? That would surely be appalling parenting!